Knowing there was new life growing inside me was a sweet benediction on the past few years of trial.
This was the joy our entire family had longed for and prayed for through those months of sickness, pain, and uncertainty.
The life inside me was surely an abiding sign those years of tears were behind us and God was calling us to no longer live the agony of His Passion but the joy of His Resurrection.
Even through my own illness, there was nothing more I desired than to carry the soul of a new creation and to bear it forth into the world.
Undoubtedly God would bless this absolute trust I had in Him.
My fiat was daily lifted heavenward. “Let it be done to me.”
A fiat to God’s Will.
And God’s Will was for this saint to escape the sorrows of this valley of tears and find eternal refuge in His loving arms.
There was a blessed glimpse of the little life that was not to walk this earth before I was told there was no heartbeat.
No more anticipation for the months ahead.
No more preparations.
No joyful announcement to siblings who had prayed daily for this life.
Yet, even as my body and emotions protested to the unfairness of it all, I knew that God had done a mighty work.
He had answered my prayers.
I had raised yet one more saint to join the host in heaven.
Two little saints we had already given to heaven were joined by this newest member of our family.
Tonight, I pick up a cheap, plastic rosary to finger and pray with to help my restless heart sleep. I do not want to pray but God asks me to make this act of faith.
And He speaks…
Mary’s fiat… a “yes” not only to the joy of new life but the sorrow of the cross
Jesus’s baptism… baptized not into splendor and glory but suffering, shame, and death
The Wedding at Cana…He is well acquainted with the small details of my life; my sorrow is not lost to Him
The Resurrection…a promise this life is not the end
I have a God whom I do not understand. I am unable wrap my mind around His ways.
But I have a God who loved much.
I have a God who was broken for me.
I have a God who knew little comfort in this life.
I have a God who has final victory.
