I’d be lying if I said the past three years were wonderful. I’ve mentioned it here and there, but, dear reader, ya’ll have n.o. i.d.e.a.
My life was pretty durn rosy until those rocky years came along.
There were those tough times in the beginning of our marriage as we figured out God wanted to use our Protestant-Catholic marriage. But God answered those prayers in a more beautiful way than I could ever have imagined and then proceeded to bless us by adding 3 more beautiful children to our family.
I followed God’s rules and life rewarded me well.
It seemed that there was nothing I couldn’t take on. Leaning on God and turning to Him in prayer, I could conquer anything.
And then came 2016…
… 2017…
…2018…
…2019…
Who knows? Maybe this craziness will go into 2020 and beyond.
There is all of this (and more!) and I wrestle continually with God and constantly try to reason out what He is doing.
Four years ago, I would have told you that faith, right living, and prayer can turn anything around. But it took all of this to teach me that “turning things around” isn’t what matters.
The only thing that matters is our eternal destination. If God had to permit all of this to conform me to His Will, then so be it.
God doesn’t love us through trials.
God loves us so much He permits trials that we might be shaped by them into His image.
He loves us in the trial.
The point of trials is not to get to the other side and move on with life.
No. no.
When our prayers aren’t answered, does that mean God doesn’t love us?
Far from it!
Could it be He loves us so much He has allowed the pain to refine us like gold refined by fire?
We should sit in that darkness and trial and say, “God what are you doing? How are you trying to change me? What do I need to learn from this?”
Don’t get me wrong! There were so many dark, dark days that I wrestled in anger, in sadness, in frustration, and in doubt.
In confessing these feelings to a dear priest, he told me the point was to keep talking to God. Just like in a good marriage, we need to keep that relationship open. We should let our anger and confusion drive us to God not away from Him.
So many people tell me, “I’m so glad you have this behind you now.”
And I wonder where they got their crystal ball.
How do they know this is behind us? Is life not worth living until it is free from trials?
I can know it is God’s love that has allowed it.
And I can look at the crucifix and know that, yes, it is love that is His motive.
God is working in my family. I’m not wise enough to know what He is trying to do (though I’ve certainly asked Him plenty of times), but I know that “He works all things for good to those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28)
I also know that God calls us to carry our cross and for the first time in my life I feel like a legitimate daughter of Christ because I have born my own suffering. (Hebrews 12)
May we see this life with eyes of faith. May we see God’s immense love for us in the actual suffering.
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